Honor doesn’t kill courage

If you are going through a divorce and have children, you know it’s hard to have a healthy relationship with your Ex and his family. Divorce is very heartbreaking and it affects children the most. The dynamics of the family inevitably change. Children of divorce end up with the short end of the stick. Their time is so split apart and they end up missing out on important family events with their extended family.

After I divorced, I wanted to give my children back the normality of their lives. I knew that having a relationship with my ex’s family was important and I wanted my children to have a relationship with them. That meant that I had to reconcile my relationship with them.  In it wasn’t easy but is not impossible either. That’s why I want to share with you four decisions that I made that changed my children’s life and can the life of your children too.

The first decision you’ll have to make is to be courageous. Fear of confrontation is normal. If you are afraid, do it afraid anyways. Before you reach out, analyze how you’re feeling and ask yourself why you feel that way. What are you telling yourself? Write it down.  Are your concerns rational?  Base your answers on facts, not on emotions.

If you are determined to make the best decision for your children’s sake, at one point you will have to face the hurt and the anger. Don’t worry! Things will get worst before they get better, but they will get better. Who cares if they reject you? Remember to tell your self “Is NOT about me!” Don’t allow yourself to get emotional. Stay focused on talking about the kids.

The second decision you’ll have to make is to choose to forgive any offences. Forgiveness is a choice and it’s a process. If you choose to forgive you will be able to put behind the barriers that hold you back from talking to your children’s family.  After I started the process of forgiveness, I had peace in my mind and in my heart. I remembered all blessings that my ex’s family and I shared. I know it’s not always easy, but it’s worth it, so that your children don’t feel the tension between you and their extended family. What worked for me is to choose to have an attitude of honor towards them in front of my children. I intentionally used a tone of love and respect when ever I found my self talking to them or others about my ex’s family. That way my children felt free to share with me about them.

 

The third decision you’ll have to make is to reach out to the family.  It’s better that you call the family your self, than to send a message with your ex or the children. When I first reached out, I started with a simple “hello.” You see, it’s the first step that makes it all happen. At first the conversations were short and a little tense, and that’s normal.  If you decide to put aside all resentment, you will be able to have a better conversation with them about your children. Don’t delay, the sooner you do this the faster your children will get back to a normal life.

 

The forth decision you’ll have to make is change your mentality. If you change your mind you will change your actions and consequently you will change the re-actions

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